Dear Boundaries

First time reading? Start with the [Series Introduction]. You can also explore [Dear Love], [Dear Safety], [Dear Connection], and [Dear Power]. Upcoming reflections include [Dear Understanding] and [Dear Freedom].

Author’s Note: This letter is part of the Dear Needs series: Seven reflective letters inspired by the 12 core emotional needs for healing identified by Tim Fletcher. These writings explore common themes in trauma recovery, including neglect, abandonment, and emotional survival. Please read at your own pace, and return only when it feels safe to do so.

Boundaries don’t mean isolation. They mean choosing your pace, your peace, and your path forward.

Dear Boundaries,

For a long time, I misunderstood you. I thought you meant pushing people away. I thought you were something I needed only when things went wrong.When I was hurt, exhausted, or on the verge of collapse. I thought you were selfish. Cold. Unloving.

But now I see it more clearly. You were never meant to be a wall. You were the doorway I forgot I was allowed to close. You protect my energy before it’s depleted.

You clarify what I value. You make love sustainable. You’re not about keeping people out. You’re about keeping me in—centered, safe, whole. And still, you’re often misunderstood.

In places where people equate silence with kindness, you’re seen as harsh. In families or communities that value harmony over honesty, you’re labeled difficult. In spiritual settings where sacrifice is idealized, you’re called unloving.

But I’ve learned that the absence of conflict doesn’t equal peace—and the presence of boundaries doesn’t mean rejection. Sometimes, the most loving thing I can do is pause.

To say “not yet.”

To say “this isn’t safe for me.”

To say nothing at all until my body says it’s okay to speak again.

Clinical Insight

From a trauma-informed perspective, boundary work isn’t just relational. It’s neurological. For many trauma survivors, saying “no” feels threatening, even when it’s necessary. The nervous system may default to fawning, appeasing, or over-functioning as a learned survival response.

Healthy boundaries begin with self-awareness, not punishment. They are rooted in self-trust, body cues, and a recognition that self-abandonment is not sustainable love. Boundaries aren’t barriers to connection. They’re the conditions that make authentic connection possible.

Furthermore, you don’t need to justify the space you take up. You don’t need to apologize for protecting your peace. You don’t need to prove that your needs are reasonable. The right people won’t just respect your boundaries. They’ll recognize them as evidence of your healing.

You don’t have to fly to be free.

Sometimes opening your wings is enough.

@myjourneycompasshealth1

Inward Invitation

Journal prompts from your Dear Boundaries Companion:

• What does your body feel when a boundary is needed?

• Where were you taught that saying “no” was unsafe or unkind?

• What would it mean to believe that your limits are wise—not shameful?

Resources & Further Reading

• Dear Power – for those reclaiming agency after being dismissed or controlled

• The Butterfly Effect: Understanding Generational Trauma – on inherited patterns that shape emotional boundaries

• The 12 Essential Needs for Healing from Complex Trauma – Tim Fletcher, RE/ACT Program

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Want to Go Deeper?

This is what light

looks like

when is no longer leaking through

self-abandonment.

@myjourneycompasshealth1

If you’re working through boundary confusion, especially after trauma, you’re not alone. Therapeutic support can help you rebuild trust with yourself and your voice. Explore sessions here.

Check out Complex PTSD: The Ties That Strain Us and learn about the emotional patterns that follow us into adulthood. From people-pleasing to burnout to fearing closeness, C-PTSD reshapes how we relate. This post explores how it shows up in our families, friendships, and work, and how healing begins when we stop calling survival a flaw.