The Psychology of“Listening More and Speaking Less”

The way we listen and speak

both carry patterns

shaped by emotion and

lived experiences.

@myjourneycompasshealth1

We’ve all heard the advice: “listen more, speak less.”

In my last post, I introduced the 4 OARS skills, practical tools to guide healthier conversations. In this piece, I want to explore the psychology beneath those skills: why we listen or speak the way we do, and how early experiences still shape communication today.

Listening more and speaking less sounds straightforward, almost universal. Yet in practice and especially in my work as psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, communication is far more complex.

Conversations become layered when we look at what shapes the way we interact with one another. These communication patterns transform and get influenced not only by our personality but also by empathy, self-awareness, and the life experiences that continue to influence us as adults.

Sometimes, conversations

leave us feeling on

the outside looking in.

@myjourneycompasshealth1

Recently, I attended a group talk where the main message was straightforward: talk less, listen more.

As I reflected, I realized something was missing. The issue is not simply about how much we talk or listen. It’s about why these patterns develop in the first place.

Why do some people keep speaking, while others retreat into silence? Who struggles to find their voice, and who needs to practice listening more deeply?

What Attachment Research Shows

Attachment studies suggest that inconsistent or unavailable caregiving in childhood can shape the way we connect as adults. These early imprints show up in our conversations today, often in subtle but powerful ways:

• The frequent interrupter: A coping strategy for those who once felt overlooked — a way to make sure they are heard.

• The overly quiet demeanor: Not always good listening but often learned suppression when approval or love felt conditional on silence.

• The easily offended: When boundaries were dismissed in childhood, self-worth may feel fragile, making other people’s limits feel like rejection.

These patterns are not character flaws. They are coping strategies that once helped with adaptability, but they may still shape daily interactions today.

Next Steps

So, what can we do with this knowledge?

Recognize that growth and change are always possible.

• Practice self-awareness by noticing your own communication patterns.

• Offer grace and assume good intent when others falter.

• Ask questions to really understand before responding.

• Choose thoughtful responses over quick reactions.

• Practice pausing and reflection.

Shaping Better Conversations

Genuine human connections

often begin with simple

moments of grace.

@myjourneycompasshealth1

Communication is rarely just about words. Tone, speed, and delivery reflect our empathy, self-awareness, and the strategies we once relied on to feel safe and connected.

The good news is: once we recognize these patterns, we can also change them.

Reflection Question:

Have you noticed yourself leaning toward talking or listening when you feel anxious or overlooked? How has that awareness changed your conversations?

Reference

Frontiers in Psychology (2023). Emotional regulation, attachment style, and assertiveness as determinants of well-being in emerging adults.