4 OARS Skills to Empower Conversations

Discover how OARS skills: Open-ended questions, Affirmations, Reflections and Summaries can turn resistance into respect and growth. I also explore these themes in my Pride and Prejudice post.

Active listening

is the first step

toward mutual respect

@myjourneycompasshealth1

Have you ever had someone tune out the moment you offered advice?

Maybe it was a teenager rolling their eyes, a patient pushing back, or a coworker shutting down mid-conversation. You know what you’re saying could help, yet the other person resists, and the moment slips away.

I’ve been there, too. In a recent conversation with my teenager, she shut down after what I thought was “helpful” advice. I sat there frustrated, realizing I had lost the chance to connect and foster mutual understanding.

The truth is, this dynamic shows up everywhere: mental health care, therapy rooms, telepsychiatry, friendships, leadership, and even in parenting. Often, it is not just resistance we are facing, but the armor people wear to protect themselves. This is where the 4 skills of asking open-ended questions, offering words of affirmations, practicing active listening and summarizing with thoughtful reflecting comes in. They are collectively known as OARS.

OARS is a framework from Motivational Interviewing techniques, developed by psychologists Miller & Rollnick (2012), that shifts the conversation from telling to listening. It creates connection instead of defensiveness. Instead of pushing harder, OARS makes room for people to feel heard, affirmed, and respected.

The OARS Framework in Practice

Let’s break down OARS into four simple skills you can start using right the way with examples for each.

1. Open Questions
   Ask questions that invite curiosity instead of yes/no answers.
   Example: “What feels most important about going out with your friends every day?”

2. Affirmations
   Notice effort, strengths, or values and name them out loud.
   Example: “You have clearly put a lot of importance on your relationships.”

3. Reflections
   Say back what you hear so the other person knows you are truly listening.
   Example: “It sounds like you are torn between keeping up with responsibilities and not missing out on time with friends.”

4. Summaries
   Pull the threads together to bring clarity and direction.
   Example: “So far, you have said you value time with friends, but you also feel stressed about keeping up with your responsibilities. Did I get that right?”

   Now that you have seen examples of the four OARS skill, I have put together a visual tool that you can download and practice in real time. Click the link below.

Downloadable Resource:

OARS one-page guide framework. Feel free to share or keep as a reminder.

The Human Touch

I have seen OARS shift conversations in powerful ways:

• In my mental health practice, patients who once seemed resistant leaned in when they felt understood.

• At home, my teen softened when I actively listened and validated het feelings instead of reacting with rules.

• In everyday life, friendships deepened when I stopped “fixing” and started listening with empathy.

At its core, OARS transforms conversations from advice-giving into connection-building. It lowers the armor, opens space for vulnerability, and fosters mutual respect.

Next Steps

The beauty of OARS is that it is not just for clinicians. It is a human tool for every day conversations. Whether you are a parent, partner, friend, or colleague, these four skills can turn stuck conversations into opportunities for growth.

Understanding and practicing OARS skills is one way to empower conversations. If you are curious about the psychology that shapes why we listen or speak the way we do, you may enjoy my related post: The Psychology of Listening More and Speaking Less.

Next time you feel tension rising, pause before offering advice. Try just one of the 4 OARS skill and notice the difference.

Which of the four skills do you see as your natural strength, and which one might stretch you the most?

Reference:

Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2012). Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change (3rd ed.). New York: The Guilford Press.